Relationship relativity

I don’t tell people what they want to hear, but what they need to hear. If you want someone to stroke your ego and make you feel better, then you have your other friends for that. I can’t be that kind of friend because I’m not that kind of person.

– A conversation many moons ago

Sometimes people wonder what my “secret” is. How I can be the way I “am” ¹ and it’s not something positive from what I heard but still somehow have everything in order. If you take a random group sample of anyone, and put me in that lineup… chances are, I would be the one with the most positive disposition of the lot. I would probably have just the same amount of “issues” as the next guy, but I’m quite confident that I’m one of those who are better equipped to handle the emotional stress. Why is that?

I actually wanted to make a post entitled “A manual to my life” – where I break-down all the subsystems of how I discern, etc. What weights do I use to decide if I should be practical or idealistic. Stuff like that. But just like any human being, apparently it would take forever to cover everything ² considering how thorough I tend to be So I guess for this post, I’ll just focus on some relationship stuff. Here’s my take on some questions that people have asked me – as well as some other concepts. And you should pay attention to how I treat the issues when I discuss them… it should give you a glimpse of how I “rationalize” things… and perhaps make you decide that should I give my opinion on the matter, if it’s worth any salt or not.

Easy for me to say?

Whenever I give advice with regards to complex relationships – wherein I eventually have to say some stuff people would rather not hear as it disheartens them, etc. ³ This is usually the case when someone’s feeling very insecure and exposed They would always say:

Madali lang sa iyo sabihin yan kasi meron kang perfect girlfriend.

While I will not argue that fact, what they fail to see is why I have a “perfect” girlfriend.

It’s not like I waited like a hermit and finally said one day: “ok… maybe I should try a relationship,” then took a chance and hit the jackpot. While it certainly feels that way, she did not fall from the sky right into my lap. I have been constantly shaping myself through all the relationships before her, and it just so happened that the person I have become was a person she could fall in love with. I’m not saying that what I turned out to be was good or bad; the point is that whatever it was, it was something she could fall in love with.

Who or what do I have to thank for that? All those other relationships.

Likewise, I may be Cris’ 3rd boyfriend, but she’s already had more than forty suitors come after her (she has a list hahahaha)… and people still hit on her to this day. Can’t blame ’em 🙂 I just try to make sure I’m better than them para hindi niya ako i-iwan hehehe.

Another point I would like to make is an answer I have for a comment by Katz in another post:

I tend to change somewhat from relationship to relationship, which I think is a good thing. What is important is that the person evolves through time — and hopefully to become a better person. But then, I got married to great man, so I might be speaking from a high horse.

You’re not speaking from a high horse; the reason you’re with the man you are today is because of the person you are today. Like you said, you’ve “changed” from previous relationships – you owe it all to that “history of experiences” 🙂 Doing the math: given ang mga type mo na lalaki before… medyo hindi shoot si Chad sa mold di ba? So thanks to all those relationships, you slowly realized that the person you really wanted was a “Chad” 🙂

The art of letting go (in context of taking risks)

One question I usually get from friends that know my ex is how I felt about her hooking up with someone we all hated back then. And this all happened just after we had broken up. To bring everyone up to speed, here’s the abridged timeline:

1. I met her during the time she had an unrequited love with this guy (I’d say dick-head, but you know, I never really knew the guy so I’ll cut him some slack. Besides I’m quite the asshole as well)
2. I come into the picture and she forgot about him and moved on to me.
3. We got together and during that time, the said guy suddenly kept on making his presence felt. ⁴ talk about not knowing what you have till it’s gone Sufficed to say it was futile [for him] then.
4. We break up (for different reasons of course) – I was devastated, of course.
5. She calls me a few weeks later to inform me she was going out with said guy (who soon became her BF). Obviously she felt compelled to let me know as a courtesy. Painful, but I was always grateful for that.

The thing there is this (and I always make it a point to mention this to the people who ask); I’m a firm believer in the “what ifs?” of life.

No matter how surreal the situation was at the time; the fact was, I knew she used to like/love him, and that right there was reason enough to not be miserable about it. All relationships deserve a chance, and I wasn’t going to be the person who’d spoil anyone’s party – especially if it had something to do with the happiness of someone you care deeply about.

Anyways, going back – the details of the conversation are shady, but I’m pretty sure that I expressed that I supported her decision – which prompted her to thank me profusely. ⁵ Jen, if it’s ok with you, I could really use some help here with the details

I think they broke up eventually, but that really doesn’t matter. Whether it was good or bad, I’m certain they learned [more] stuff about themselves (and the world) that they could’ve only learned with and from each other. And hopefully, both of them are one more relationship wiser… and that’s always a good thing.

In case you want to say “Given your reputation, maybe it was just easy for you to let go!” Then let me put it this way: I don’t keep count of my “relationships,” sorry to disappoint – but out of all of them, only TWO ever became my girlfriend. Cris is the second, she was the first. So yeah, it was a very big deal to force yourself to let go of someone you practically wanted to marry at the time.

Looking for love…

…is not the way.

The trouble with people is they look for it. They look for it in places where it isn’t, and fail to acknowledge it in places where it is. You certainly can find it, just like you can find a coin in the street; but specifically search for it… good-luck with that!

People desperately seeking for it will always see the world as half empty, because to search for something means knowing what you’re looking for… which in turn means, you’ve already foolishly “defined” the type of love you want… which is exactly why you can’t find it – because chances are, your particular brand of “love” doesn’t exist. So like I said; “half-empty.” In fact, I think it might even be totally empty because they’re basically chasing shadows.

Stop looking, and you’ll be surprised how easy it is to “find” – and it’s almost always found in the strangest of places. Who knew I’d end up with a bookworm who wasn’t musically inclined? ⁶ apart from being able to appreciate it In fact, that’s a constant insecurity of hers; she knows the women I’ve been with. What she doesn’t know is when the gauntlet comes down; I can literally, point for point, enumerate how she’s better than any one of them… and why I fell in love with her and not with them. But to get back on topic; those very reasons were also not apparent to me when we first went out.

All you have to do is actually try going to those places you never thought you’d be in. Some of us (myself included) are luckier than others when it comes to getting those chances, but all the same, you should never leave any stone unturned. You only live once. The reason people like me tend to be happier when we finally settle down is because we have the least amount of “what ifs” lingering in our minds.

While you haven’t “found” it

Just because you don’t see something working out in the long run, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can learn from it along the way, nor does it mean you can’t enjoy the ride. If it’s not the real thing, then at the very least it’s good practice.

And it certainly is the case that you could be proven wrong mid-stream. I mean, as much as I’m embarrassed to say it; my sister and I are a product of infidelity… but we were the family he chose eventually. ⁷ and they STILL broke up anyways, but that’s neither here nor there We’re in good terms with [most] of our half-siblings, but I have no problems owning up to the fact that we’re the family that possibly “ruined” theirs during childhood, and I make it a point to never forget that.

While I wouldn’t wish the same situation on any family, it just goes to show how complicated life can be – and that you can’t really put clear-cut rules on everything. Sometimes, even the mistakes may turn out to be ok after all (else I wouldn’t be in this world) And I’ve always factored that in whenever I had to analyze anything.

Be yourself

This is actually more for the guys. You’ve heard it said all the time, but I’ll try to be more specific:

Do not put your best foot forward unless you can keep it there.

Simply “act” within your means. Never oversell yourself because unless you can improve or sustain ⁸ and knowing how women can NEVER be content, I’d say it’s the former whatever “image” you have established, you’re pretty much nailing your own coffin.

This of course doesn’t mean that you should be the worst person you can possibly be. Just be the best person you can be without trying… and that’s usually the sweet spot right there.

Unless you lack any form of “appeal,” it really shouldn’t be that difficult. And you know, you don’t have to worry about “differences” because while differences in perspectives may or may not affect the outcome, the bottom-line is you’re not fooling anyone with some facade. It serves as a natural filter because you get to find out immediately which people accept you for who you are…

Also, I said this in a previous post:

I personally do not experience any “dilemma” when relating, or caring, or even loving others that are very different from me. To me, I treat most “disagreements” as professional ones (with a few exceptions). I cherish individuals precisely because I embrace their mystery – life is so beautiful (and just downright FUN) because of such variance.

I was speaking for myself then, but while drafting that entry, I felt a nagging feeling to confirm something; was I able to claim the above statement because I was unique, lucky, or was that degree of acceptance and receptivity possible even for categorically different people? And if so, what are the reasons for such receptivity that they can go beyond one’s “comfort” zones.

Normally, I’d ask Cris, since she’s a conservative… however, I’m sure it would be hard for her not to give a biased opinion without blending her current feelings into the mix – regardless how logical she can be.

So instead, I asked a friend who I had a history with. A person who, for those who know her, is drastically different from me; a conservative to the core. She’s was now married (and pregnant at that) – so I figured there was no danger or ambiguity in the question (plus, we’re still good friends)… and just asked her straight out. Here are excerpts of that conversation (and yes, I did ask permission from her to post this)

CARLO: meron pala ako sincere question

WOMAN: o game
WOMAN: nakakainis yung “sincere”

CARLO: ah kse baka makapal lumabas yung tanong eh, pero i really am curious to know

WOMAN: ah ok game

CARLO: kse i’m contemplating on blogging about a topic pero i need to clarify a part to see if my arguments will actually hold water so eto:
CARLO: i never put my best foot forward, you know that right?
CARLO: i was always straightfroward even if i liked you, and never tried “impressing” to get on your good graces

WOMAN: ahhh yes yes. ok

CARLO: So the question is, why did you still like me? I’ve practically given a woman every reason to not like me on the onset just so walang masaktan (although siyempre impossible maiwasan yon)
CARLO: Pero that always made me wonder
CARLO: (paraphrased): To me, romance/fondness/etc tends to fail because of disappointment… usually because people try to be people they’re not at the beginning… and falter eventually. Something which i always made a point to avoid.
CARLO: So what did i do right that still got women to like me in spite of that?
CARLO: Gets? so yon 🙂

WOMAN: well, i guess the fact that you are yourself and you have no pretentions, yun yung attractive
WOMAN: na the fact nga na hindi ka trying hard to impress, isa yun sa mga pogi points mo

CARLO: i guess, pero if that were the case
CARLO: madami din naman kse preskong lalaki eh bakit hindi umuubra sa kanila?

WOMAN: e kasi nga trying hard sila

CARLO: and how does a woman “detect” that?
CARLO: i mean kung “best foot forward” can fool them until they realize it was only a facade… how can they know na trying hard yung isa, eh pano kung genuinely ganon talaga sila

WOMAN: hmm, ang hirap naman ng tanong mo

CARLO: hahahah i know! kaya nga pati AKO di ko masagot di ba? hahaha
CARLO: normally i’d have this “formula” i can apply to even the most complex phychological stuff
CARLO: apparently, it doesn’t work all the time

WOMAN: makikita mo naman talaga sa tao kung totoo sya or puro pagtatago e

<SKIPPNG TO MORE [ABRIDGED] ANSWER(S)>

WOMAN: Sa umpisa, i guess na attract ako sa kagalingan mo sa lahat ng bagay… e impressed ako sa ganon
WOMAN: tapos mabait

CARLO: ako? mabait? hahahahah

WOMAN: yah, basta hindi ka masama tsaka enjoy kang kasama
WOMAN: tsaka wala kang pakialam sa mundo
WOMAN: basta mabuti kang tao
WOMAN: marami rin akong natutunan sa yo tungkol sa buhay

CARLO: wala ako pakialam sa mundo pero marami kang natutunan? Parang contradicting yon

WOMAN: Kaya nga kasi wala kang pakialam sa anong sinasabi ng iba o sa norms. E ako, ms. pleasing personality ako dapat. Ms. conformist kung baga

CARLO: More of I can still live a happy, meaningful life even if I’m free from the confines of social judgment.

WOMAN: Right

It could be the case though, that her sister’s clairvoyance put her mind at ease then. (She told me that her sister knew it wasn’t going anywhere, but told her to just enjoy anyways – which incidentally, is in-line with my “half-full” take on the world) I gotta be honest though, I never really knew how to react to that “info;” I mean I never really believed in that sort of stuff… it kinda gives me the heebeejeebees. But I guess I should be thankful that the “supernatural” powers that be were on my side then.

So there, it is possible. Plus precisely because I never put up a facade, to this day, we can still talk about stuff like that and not feel weird about it… despite being very different.

Just be a real person; nothing more, nothing less. Nothing contrived, no pretense… that’s how real relationships last – friendships or otherwise.