I’m probably one of the most “patient” people a person could meet. And take note, when I say “patient,” I don’t mean it in the delayed gratification sort of sense – as I’m very impatient when it comes to that. What I mean is my tolerance (pasensya) for anything unfortunate – usually in the form of people and their insufferable dispositions. Even my own sister could vouch for this ¹ At least she already had done it before

I even remember Cris complaining that me “never” getting angry with her ² We do fight, of course – but she still has yet to see how I can be when I’m “angry” was/is a constant source of her “insecurities.” Ika nga sa lahat ng “away” – ang pikon, laging talo ³ I would challenge that argument, but for the most part, it is true. – and I guess on that front, I usually come out on top… usually. While I do have my share of “quirks” that are enough to eclipse that singular “plus” I seem to have, that plus has never been disputed – nor could be disproven even if someone tried.

Pride

I think this allows me to have the type of candor I have – because at the end of the day, after I’ve said my piece, there literally is no hard feelings/grudges from my end. ⁴ At least to people who haven’t “crossed the line” – as I’ll explain later I noticed that this is something a lot of people have trouble with; that they don’t mean what they say. They say everything’s ok when it’s not. They say they feel this or that way when they really don’t. I, on the other hand, find it easier to just be frank about stuff as it gets a lot of the “weight” off on the onset – and makes it easier to “handle” the situation once the “air is cleared” as far as opinions/expectations go.

Anyways, what brings me to post about this? Read on if you’re interested.

Disclaimer

So far, in my 30 years of existence there are 4 people that have put me “past my limit”… a state which ultimately ends up with me denying their very existence ⁵ At least, in the practical sense 😉 1 during high school, 1 a few years ago, and 2 “family members.” Isn’t it funny that after all this talk about being “tolerant,” I certainly seem to balance it out by my sheer lack of being able to forgive. Perhaps it just comes with the territory; perhaps the “forgiveness” was already being applied – constantly… and when I finally “snap” it is, quite literally, too late. Who knows!?

Digression

A small part of my urge to post about this is that I heard (i.e. someone had told me) that the second [person in my “blacklist”] had mentioned in their blog that they had “forgiven” me. All I could do was laugh… not because of any defense mechanism on my part, but simply because it was too funny to fathom. The last time I checked, it’s [meta]physically impossible to “forgive” someone you’ve wronged. So I was like “funny, I didn’t realize I was in need of forgiveness – especially from THAT person.” – iba talaga, I guess, pag delusional ang tao.

In any case, whatever rocks their boat or gets them to sleep better at night; more power to them I say! I don’t really care either way since they’re dead to me – so whatever improvement or degradation in their “lives” are of no consequence to mine at all ⁶ Though I have to admit, knowing if they’re suffering gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside – but that’s just me being evil. – that, and I know something they don’t ⁷ Let’s just say that “friends” tend to be more honest with me than with them 😉

The Real Reason

The real reason I posted, was while I was already “compartmentalizing” that [previous] aspect of my life as an “aside,” – the topic “tolerance/patience” came back up while sorting out some files in the computer.

As my previous post suggested, I’ve upgraded the OSes in my main machine, and I’ve decided to start “cleaning” up a lot of unsorted files I just dumped into the Drobo. I came across some “log” I [apparently] kept through the years, that file outlined an issue and the steps I, and the other party had taken to deal with a certain issue. It looked like it was made in preparation to go after someone’s arse publicly (and thankfully didn’t get to that point, but still).

The issue was a simple one: I used to have a Klipsch 5.1 system which conked out right after warranty. At that time, I was “active” in a computer buy & sell community called TipidPC.com – and they had a member that had good ratings of being able to repair various electrically damaged stuff. The testimonials clearly stated that he could even repair motherboards, which was no joke. So naturally I decided to have my system repaired there. And thus, started another “test of patience.”

The story/log can be read here. Take note, this was written probably in December 2005 – and as you noticed from the beginning statements that the issue started way before then. In case you didn’t read it, long story short; it never got repaired, and was returned. It’s also worth mentioning that ultimately that person wasn’t added to my “blacklist” – not that it matters, since I never really make lasting ties with anyone in the TipidPC community – why should anyone? It’s a service site – so it’s impersonal by nature.

All the same, the experience was a good example of how patient I can be – underscored by the fact that it was with someone I had no personal connections with ⁸ Hence no obligation to give them extra consideration. I’m much more patient if it’s actually a friend, or someone I care deeply about.

Prejudice

I noticed that the “issue” itself also underscored a general frustration and observation I have with our [Filipino] “culture” – particularly how “unreliable” we can be.

In this case, it was an issue of professional courtesy, and work ethic. Why the hell would he try to cut costs when I’ve already volunteered to foot the bill on materials. The only reason was to try to still make a bit more money out of the funds I gave, and not just to save face/reputation – and that, to me, is just being plain selfish at that point.

It happens often enough that it makes me wonder if I put too high a standard on the people I encounter? Am I expecting too much of the people around me? I guess it’s hard for me to be “fine” with, because I, despite all my “quirks,” ⁹ Which I assure you, are enough to turn a lot of people off am still a pretty reliable person when push comes to shove. Am I expecting too much when I end up pulling the if-someone-like-me-can-do-it-why-can’t-you card on people – at least when it comes to “basic prioritization” of anything in one’s life?

On the flip-side, I’ve long accepted the fact that shit happens and that we are all unique in our own ways (i.e. “different strokes, different folks”) – so I guess I am expecting too much if I pursue the thought. That’s why I actively try not to – but the byproduct of that is I tend to be judgmental because of it. And it begs the question; can I help being judgmental? Why shouldn’t I be?

Given how “tolerant” I already am; I’m already putting up with the crap and accepting it as it is – it doesn’t mean I have to like it. And given humans have the power to change anything they themselves have inflicted on others… if they don’t act on it, ¹⁰ Barring legitimately mitigating circumstances is it wrong to assume they’re less of a person because of it – at least as far as that particular issue goes?

So if someone considers you as someone you think you’re not… and if you are affected and take issue with it, isn’t it natural to prove the person wrong? Because by not doing anything and going on with whatever “actions” you were doing that made them think that way of you – you’re essentially just proving them right. Simple as that.

I believe that we as humans are constantly sized-up in different aspects of our “being” – there’s just no getting around that fact. The reason why I don’t mind what most people think about me is because I don’t mind being judged – because I do it too (you should be able to take whatever you can dish out).

What “frustrates” me is when people don’t like being judged, but don’t even try fixing whatever it is that triggered that “prejudice.” So for example… to be politically incorrect, the thing about stereotyping (e.g. racism) is totally fine by me. Because while there are exceptions… it’s still mostly true – and to me, it’s solely the fault of those that represent the demographic that has been “stereotyped.” The song Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist from Avenue Q basically explains the phenomenon.

Same goes with profiling/stereotyping – it will happen – and the only thing that can prevent it is if the person actively proves or disproves it. And it all cycles back to human effort.

Our (in)decisions truly dictate who we are – whether we believe it is who we are, whether we like it or not. The sooner people come to terms with thing as fundamental as who they really are, without having to complicate things by factoring in “morality” et all, the better we’ll all be.

When I mentioned “morality,” I’m just talking in terms of prejudice – or recognizing your true worth as a person. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t do anything in context of “defining” yourself – but I am saying that whatever it is you do (or not) does define you.

The reason I’m “secure” with who I am is I guess I’ve come to terms with my shortcomings, and if people judge me by them, then I will accept such judgment simply because they’re probably true; and if not, I have no problems proving them wrong if need be. I’m not living my life to impress people, but to simply be accepted as I am – and if I try being someone I’m essentially not to get that affirmation, then it’s not really “the real thing” for me – because I would be lying to myself.