Catharsis

Next time, someone just better remind me not to change my way of thinking.

I’ve been through enough good and bad experiences to know how to get the best out of them… at the risk of becoming “evil” to others’ eyes (but with no intention of being so).

But then there are a few goddamn times I let my guard down totally. I revert to being that loser I swore never to become again, and end up experiencing the same pain that made me the man I am today.

This too shall pass I guess, but not now, not yet. I’ll let myself enjoy this pain, since it’s been a while since I’ve felt it, and it keeps me grounded somehow… and quite frankly makes me glad that I was jaded in the first place – there’s no place like home, I guess.

So when it does pass, I’ll once again be steadfast with my ideals, and just continue being the juggernaut I usually am… despised by others, but loved nonetheless by the people important to me.

…

Who am I kidding, I can say this but at the end of the day, I’m still a sucker. I know that all it takes is one feeling to mess with my mind totally. So what if I’ve had so much experience, it’s not like they ever helped me get what I really wanted… only once did that happen, and that too crumbled sooner or later. And I know I’m a sucker for it.

It’s no wonder we humans are so damn violent: even at the emotional level, we seem to make it a point to get ourselves into really painful situations.

We are all suckers, it’s just human nature.

A friend told me they felt stupid because they pick the wrong people.

I usually pick the right people for the wrong reasons. And the few times I’ve seemed to pick the right person for the right reasons, life/fate seems to just give me a nice piledriver straight to the ground.

So why the fuck am I here?

And then the simplest answer I keep returning to after every painful experience is that we’re here for ourselves… or at least we should be. I may be a sucker at the end of the day, but the next time, I’ll be the sucker who got what he wanted most of the time.

…

Next time I put my guard down, someone PLEASE remind me to put it back up (which I probably wont, but it’s worth a try nonetheless).

We can never be sure if things like those are wrong – …but damn, they sure feel right!

I have no regrets. Once again, life has proven to be a reliable and predictable source of “cause and effect,” as far as my world is concerned. Hopefully the next time, I do keep my guard up, and I’ll know exactly what to do, and know exactly how to go about it, and if everything goes according to plan – get exactly what I want out of it.

And that, my friends, is my catharsis. And as I quote from one of my songs:

“This poison breaks me, but also makes me evermore stronger.”