I always suffer from “early stage fright.” It’s the state of pure fear when you first stand in front of an audience singing something for the first time in your life.

WHY GOD!?

I was in numerous bands both in highschool and college. I compose and sing my own songs. My friends say I have a decent voice.

Then why the hell do I suffer from such a fear? I really don’t get it.

What happened

Some members of BP sang at some sort of Catholic Congress at the World Trade Center (Roxas) for a mass that hosted about 4 thousand priests. None of the celebrants knew the priest’s part of “Panginoon Maawa Ka,” and guess who had to stand up in front of 4 thousand priests, and TV cameras, with his big hair and pimple-ridden face on the wide screen projector.

During practices, I had no problems singing the part since I thought “hey, i’m just filling in, this if for the Priest. Don’t sweat it.” And before I got up the podium, I was even convincing myself that I was still fine.

Deep inside. I arrogantly thought that “skill-wise, I don’t have to wory about anyone inside this place.” That at the very least, I was one of the better singers in that place.

Was it suddenly seeing a sea of faces? Or maybe it was the fact it was my first time singing that blasted song in that context. Whatever it was, I didn’t enjoy it. As I sung, I could hear my voice trembling and it’s funny that I’m saying to myself “stop shaking.” Though my body wasn’t shaking, my notes were right, but the air coming out of my mouth was shaking. AAAARRRRGHH!

I’ve caught myself feeling this way numbers of time during BP concerts, the first time I sing a new solo always sucked for me, but I eventually grew into them in time. But the fact that at this state, at this age, (and if you know how I rationalize) I can’t help but be pissed off at myself.

“Why are you such a fucking pussy Carlo?” You’ve sung HARDER songs BETTER, but this simple thing you can’t friggin’ pull off without a hitch?

Moving right along

At least I was able to do some percussion, which I love to do. I don’t know why though; it’s just an intrinsic feeling of enjoyment whenever I’m using a bongo, or a triangle etc. The same satisfaction I get when I program OTHER instruments for my songs, rather than my primary instrument (guitar).

I think I shouldn’t end this post with just that as it will sound wierd, but I can’t think of anything else but my feeling of sheer frustration.

I have to grow out of this sickness. You people! Spread my songs, Gimme some gigs so I can get used to singing again. Hehehe just kidding.