Thoughts on suicide

I find it unnerving that I had the unfortunate luck of hearing about two suicides that are at most 2 degrees of separation apart from myself. If I had to count the number of suicides that are of similar degrees apart since college… it would be 6. How fucked up is that huh?

We all have read about the first in the papers, but a college bench-mate of ours had also killed herself a few days or weeks before.

I was personally disturbed because the latter incident (which is actually former if you do it chronologically) had literally jolted me to re-evaluate a position I had always stood by [vehemently] when it came to the subject. I had only mentioned it in passing on a useless survey/meme post I had 4 years ago, but I thought I might as well just put it out there for posterity’s sake.

Again, my only intention in this post is to explain the way I feel. I’m in no way saying that people should share the same sentiments. And of course, its never my intention to insult the memory of the departed – especially to those [common friends] who care about them more than I do. So take everything I say here with a grain of salt… and at best, just consider it as “understanding how Carlo feels about suicide” 😉 Now if you feel that you will still be angered despite the disclaimers I said, then just stop reading now. But who are we kidding… we all know a warning like that will just make everyone want to read the post even more 😉

Seriously though, I’m not here to pick a fight; if you’re planning to comment with the purpose to pick a fight or tell me off, I’m already warning you that I will either not respond to your comment, or delete it. But if you just want to discuss and argue rationally, then feel free to tell me what you think.

Here’s a snippet of the part from the survey that’s directly related to the current discussion

QUESTION: do u think about suicide?

ANSWER

Never!

And here’s something else – I absolutely do not respect people who do it. Thinking about it is fine since we all have our “trials” at some point in our lives. The question is if you actually go through with it.

Suicide is simply giving up. There is no “justification” no matter how you slice it. You gave up… simple as that.

Fucking cowards, that’s what they are, and I don’t feel sorry for them one goddamn bit! Why should I be? There are a whole bunch of people that are probably having a harder time than those pricks that killed themselves, you don’t see them giving up do you?

I don’t know about other people, but I know my friends aren’t cowards. So if one of them commits suicide, then they ain’t no friend of mine anymore!

Opposite poles

Naturally Ansky’s death was a particularly challenging experience in context of the last statement. Based on the statement, I should’ve been able to easily “[pre?]judge” and decide how I felt about the situation and dismiss the news easily, regardless of how other of our [common] friends felt about it. But surprisingly, I could still say without much hesitation that she was a friend when clearly, based on my statement, she shouldn’t be (at least not anymore) – which is even weirder because we weren’t that close. Hell, the picture I posted of her was probably one of the last times I saw the woman… that’s seven fucking years ago!

But all the same, I did feel quite bummed out the day I heard the news… and that feeling constantly makes me wonder to this day. Perhaps it just means I have a heart 😉

On the other hand, we have that suicide by one of Ateneo’s faculty members – a person I personally did not know. Now that was much easier to deal with – in line with my old belief.

However, considering how I felt/feel about Ansky’s death, I couldn’t help but empathize with [common] friends who I saw were affected by the incident. Even if that set of friends/aqcuaintances had people who thought just like me (God forbid), they still must’ve felt bad in some way… and that realization was something I resonated with.

Close, but not quite

Save for the last part of the statement, I still can’t help but notice that most of those words I had uttered (well, actually typed) 4 years ago still ring true in my logical mind… painfully true.

If we take out all the emotional biases, I doubt anyone can argue with the fact that the act they ultimately chose to pursue was a “cowards way out.” I know it’s next to impossible to think this way about people really close to you, but that’s the truth. I wish it weren’t the case, but I really can’t think of any other explanation to justify it. Well, there are a couple of reasons I can let slip by – and even they are subject to debate:

1. A genuine chemical disorder/imbalance (e.g. clinically depressed), or a medical scenario that can “justify” euthanasia (e.g. being in constant physical pain, etc.)
2. If you wanted to cash in on insurance for the people you’ll be leaving behind. (Yes, this is possible to honor)
3. If someone told you to kill yourself in exchange for saving someone else’s life.
4. If you knowingly put yourself in a fatal situation to save someone else’s life.

Did I miss anything? I don’t think so… only 4 reasons I can think of. Actually 3 and 4 are under the “saving lives” category so I’d hardly consider that killing yourself – although you’d be fully aware of your consent of dying.

Most of us are in the middle to upper middle class, and I think it’s really pathetic that we still can find reasons to go to such extremes. If anyone in our social class thinks they have a good reason of committing suicide, then I can assure them that by their standards, 99% of the world’s population should have the right to kill themselves before they do.

It’s when I think in this context that I can’t help let my Darwinian side get the best of me. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but goddamnit; there are so many other less-fortunate people in the world who are toughing it out… you don’t see them giving up do you!? What a suicide victim did is extremely insulting to those people it’s like saying: “Gee, my life sucks so much that I think I’m better off killing myself… and since, by default, you poor people are automatically in a worse situation than I am (or ever was), maybe every single one of you should kill yourselves as well.”

But just like I said, when emotions get in the way, everything gets so complicated… contradicting even. So now, when I try to analyze these contradicting emotions here’s what I think will make me deal with it better:

Mourn the loss of a friend/relative/etc… do not mourn the loss of their life.

I think that sums it up quite nicely. It covers the whole feeling bad of everyone concerned. The first part of the statement deals with the people that are left behind… and is reinforced by the second part.

Because if you really think about it, even if you take a personal view, or a darwinian view, the experience should ultimately be nothing to be sad about.

My Personal view

Personal: At least they’re in a better place. Case closed. If they really think that they’re lives were so tough that giving up was the best course of action, then we should be happy for them; they are finally beyond that which they claim that can hurt them.

My Darwinian view

Darwinian: A species’ “worth” is proven by its willingness to overcome… to survive; humans are no exception. If you don’t value your life enough to think you deserve to exist in this earth… then that’s all the reason one really needs. It’s not up to other people to make us realize our worth… because we should be proving our worth to them. For as long as we don’t exert that worth, then for all intents and purposes, we remain “worthless” no matter how much “potential” you have.

If the drive to overcome/prove one’s self is lacking in a person… then I will respect that. But they’ll also have to respect this analogy: Trying out for a team.

Those who try, even if they don’t have the chops, even if they ultimately fail, that they tried (or constantly try) means at the very least, they deserve a shot at placing. If they give up beforehand, the team doesn’t owe them any damn thing.

In this case, the “team” is life, and suicide victims better be aware then a lot of other people in the world are more than willing to take your place in the cosmological balance – and they’ll deserve it.

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I admit, it’s not a thing we’d like to hear. It’s not even a jagged little pill; it’s a fucking full-blown splintered suppository to take… but is the truth.

If you want to feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for the people that are left behind, because we’re the ones who’ll be toughing it out while the ones that went ahead wouldn’t have to worry anymore.

Religion

Now I don’t even want to get into this because of the obvious implications of acts such as suicide.

The reason I felt compelled to mention it was because I had heard that there was this “nice” homily that had this message:

It wasn’t God’s will for him to die.

Is it just me, or does anyone find it ironic that the doctrine of an entity that literally brought his own flesh and blood to the slaughter – would be used to put perspective into something as twisted as suicide? But then again, intentionally sending your son to die, ¹ And TESTING someone by asking them to kill their child… what kind of a sick fucking test is that!? does seem just as twisted – so I guess it’s all good. I just got a kick out of that.

And to digress a bit; I also get a kick out of the fact that only in this Religion does the act of sending a beloved to get killed, seem like the most blessed act one can accomplish.

Maybe the US should be sending more troops to Iraq. In fact, maybe they shouldn’t let those soldiers bring any guns… and die instead of kill – so they can save the souls of those “Taliban sinners.” ² Although I think it should be the other way around. We know that’s what Jesus would’ve done.

I’d accept it if Jesus offered himself out of his own will, but according to the agony in the garden… he did want to back out! But of course, there’s the whole convenience of the “Trinity,” which makes it seem as if God himself offered his own life (ergo probably didn’t send anyone to begin with).

So which is it? Fully human, where he can actually feel pain and fear; or fully divine, where he shouldn’t break a sweat knowing that he really won’t die… EVER. If he was fully divine, he could’ve shut down his nerves if he wanted to… but he didn’t… and that’s just bragging about his tolerance for pain. That, or I’d have to go say he was fully human; pain, fear and the whole shebang. Ergo I’d have say he was sent to the slaughter 😉

Comedy aside, I guess my point simply was that while the homily might’ve been inspiring, or that it may have made people feel better about the whole incident… I just think it’s ironic (hilariously so) to even utter religious doctrine in context of an act that we all know pretty much damns a soul to hell by the very same creed interpreting the situation.

Conclusion

There you have it. basically I guess everyone concurs that suicide is bad… mmmkay? But I personally think that anyone who would indulge in it are doing greater damage to the people left behind than themselves.

In that sense, I’d say just call it even.