I was supposed to comment on Jowi’s blog entry (hence the title), but I noticed that I was quoting and writing too much already. So I decided to just post my answer here hahaha.
It’s also a good topic actually because there aren’t any straight right or wrong answers, and would really depend on the situation, time, and the people involved at that particular moment.
but i believe that people who truly care for each other must be able to talk about things that are truly important even if they might be uncomfortable to talk about…
… i strongly believe that if a person genuinely cares for another, he or she will point out matters that are disagreeable even when there is a possibility of someone getting hurt, if he or she knows that giving it a shot will help the person somehow (or even greatly).
I guess this is the part where I put in my obligatory I-beg-to-disagree statement. And notice that considering the personal situation I’m in, I should be actually agreeing with the statement 🙂
It really depends on the person and the issue, it doesn’t matter how close you are or how many fights you had with them. Plus, the “issue” in question, I would imagine, was extremely sensitive. Without expounding, I don’t have to tell you that if I were in that particular situation (as B), I don’t think anybody would be welcome to prod into a subject that I myself was struggling with (and take note that it’s present progressive hehehe).
Unfortunately, its something we can never relate to (since we aren’t like that), so it would be unfair to think the person was unreasonable in reacting that way. Sure, he may have answered, but what do you do if you’re a fairly docile person who is cornered (which I think B is and was)? He answered because he was cornered to do so, and was polite about it because he was [probably] caught off guard, or that he simply wasn’t the confrontational type. That pretty much sums everything up IMHO.
…”you really have a way of telling me what’s wrong with me and making me see the ugliest realities in my life without me hating you for it. you’re really one of the most beautiful people i know.”
…i told him jokingly, “where were you 5 years ago?” but really, if he told me those things 5 years ago, things would have been a lot different. i would’ve made more sensible decisions.
This would support the whole depends-on-the-people involved thing. The fact that you weren’t insulted, wasn’t because he “had a way of telling,” but simply because it was him 😉
As far as the 5 years ago thingie goes, you say that you would’ve made more sensible decisions. I think it would be the other way around. I think you’d probably be capable of doing what B did, if what was said, was said 5 years ago. Because you were in love with the person, no matter how sincere the advise, the fact that it was a direct attack to someone you love(d) would definitely piss you off. I’d probably feel and act the same way.
I recall you mentioning that your best friend T agreed with your mom’s views at some point – which pissed you off. There’s the answer right there. If you needed more proof, then I’d state your Mom as the prime example. Parents are the only people who are sure to be looking out for our well being (you can’t get anymore sincere than that), and also the people who also get on our nerves BIG TIME… especially if they try meddling in our affairs 😉
And what a convenient segue to meddling hahaha. I guess I don’t have to repeat my stand. I don’t like meddling – wether it’s right or wrong unless it’s a life or/and death situation. But as far as experience and character development are concerned, people learn better if and after they fall. No matter what your intentions, it’s better to let life take its course 😉
Parang si P and g: alam naman ng lahat na wala na talaga si g sa mata ko. Pero as much as I told her that I don’t like g, I’m still leaving that decision to her (like I have a choice). If they get back together, I will not even keep my eye on g, he’s free to do what he wants to do… but make no mistake that when the time comes that he does hurt her, there will be retribution.
How I treat g isn’t because I want to dissuade him, or because I’m protective of P per se. It’s simply because g is beneath me – and I do not wish to consort with such people… it’s an utter waste of time to involve myself with anything that has to do with him.
But that’s neither here nor there – I’m not out to dedicate my time to make sure the the nails in the coffin are put in place, nor am I here to kill a zombie if it so chooses to come back (which it is). What they do, and how it turns out is up to them. But babalik at babalik yung point ko na just let life take its course… if that’s how P is gonna learn, then so be it. It already happened before with j, so maybe a couple more falls will set her straight.
But then again, I was always an “experience over sensibility” type of guy.
I guess it depends talga no? hehehehe.
NOTE: In case people from DWTL read this: This is a totally separate issue ok? P, g, and j are initials of the people involved, so obviously these aren’t the people from my personal “issue” (which really isn’t an issue anymore last I heard)
una, gusto kong sabihin na ayokong matalo si jay sa person i disagree with the most. so hindi ako maga argue dito masyado. hehehe.
ikalawa, ayoko ito i post sa blog ko, so eto, comment na lang sa blog mo kahit ubod nang haba. hehehe.
ikatlo, tama ka, there are no right or wrong answers, the reason i’m commenting and somewhat arguing, is because you were talking about ME and MY situation/s. it’s funny that you’ve always been strong on saying that you didn’t want to “meddle” while here you are posting an entry about your take on how you think how i handle my affairs and how i view my handling of my affairs is rather misshapen or distorted with statements starting with “it would be unfair to think….” etc etc. 😉 but then again, i don’t think it’s meddling. it’s your own opinion and your own blog. 😉
eto lang:
you said: “It really depends on the person and the issue, it doesnÂ’t matter how close you are or how many fights you had with them.”
i said: “at the end of the day, it’s a matter of what your beliefs are. some would say it’s not one’s responsibility to look after one’s friends that way. or that it would be better not to “meddle”. or people have limitations.”
meaning: EXACTLY. : )
the point of the entry was to say this: “at the end of the day, i know that i will always gladly risk my own comfort or comfort zone, if i may call it, to love someone i genuinely care about. and if loving them means knowing the painful truth and telling the truth, then i would always choose that over saving myself and my own face. in this case, “forever holding my peace” does not apply. :)”
…and not to make arguments, not to convince anyone, but just to put my thoughts into writing… i was actually supposed to start with “dear diary….” kasi ganon ang ambience ng entry ko. i was thinking of making it a private post, pero iwas private post muna ako… i write my blog for me. if there’s anyone who chances upon it and learns from it or finds it interesting or makes him/her think (like you ;p ), then good. kung wala, eh di wag.
you said: “Without expounding, I donÂ’t have to tell you that if I were in that particular situation (as B), I donÂ’t think IÂ’d welcome anybody would be welcome to prod into a subject that I myself was struggling with (and take note that itÂ’s present progressive hehehe).”
dear, if you don’t remember the whole story, don’t comment na lang. unang una, i did not prod, ikalawa, when you posted this:
If your best friend turned out to be gay, how would it affect your relationship? Not at all. In fact, I wouldnÂ’t be surprised if he was hahahaha. and i asked you about it in recipes last saturday, you remember your answer? ganon kami ka close noon ni B. and it was a safe assumption na “ganon rin ang sagot ko”…. or so i thought. gets?
maraming background ang kuwentong yun. and i remember telling you about it. i wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t remember the story. ngayon, if you don’t remember, don’t comment anymore because you’re making judgments that are not based on that background.
sige, siguro he was caught off guard, but nagkuwento pa siya ng mga 2 hours/3 hours after that eh. cornered pa rin ba siya nun?
i never blamed him for hating me. he’s entitled to his own feelings and decision niya yun. ang sakit lang for me because he was important to me and i lost him. but i never judged him for reacting the way he did.
you said: The fact that you weren’t insulted, wasn’t because he “had a way of telling,” but simply because it was him 😉
i said: i felt loved. knowing that someone who had seen all these was right there, loving me inspite of- and despite-. he cared enough to put up with my being difficult just to get through to me.
in other words, EXACTLY. it was because it was HIM. in the same way that i would say the same thing if it were YOU. (ex. the fact that i wasn’t offended by your “question”/your forthrightness in pointing out what was “wrong” with me and how you phrased it, which actually prompted the creation of that post-which was a reflection, not an argument, mind you. 🙂 – is already proof that it could have been you in that situation. [napansin mo bang tumahimik si jay? kasi alam niyang mag a argue ako dun, and magiging stubborn. i think he was even surprised that i didn’t argue. 😉 ] only i don’t think you’d do what he did coz you’d think you were “meddling” nga diba?) i was never referring to acquaintances in that post. i wasn’t referring to just close friends, but people who are closest to my heart. so yes, person-centered siya. hindi issue-centered.
hmm… next time, let me know if you don’t get the point of my kuwentos ha…. because this:
“I recall you mentioning that your best friend T agreed with your momÂ’s views at some point – which pissed you off.”
what hurt me in that situation was not that C (sino si T?) agreed with my mom’s views… but because i was in a relationship with Ju for 2 years and never did she tell me that that was how she felt about it. she was totally SUPPORTIVE of me and my decisions for two years… and then suddenly, nung nagkakaipitan na at ako ang pinaka-naipit, sasabihin niya: “eh hindi ba totoo naman yung sinabi niya (referring to my mom)?” so ako: “ha? ganon? all the while pala ganon ang opinion mo, tas ngayon na am in trouble, ngayon mo napiling sabihin sa akin na you’ve always not supported me and my decisions?” san galing yun?
gets? yun mismo ang point ko… if she had told me beforehand, baka nainis ako na hindi niya ko maintindihan. Pero hindi ako magagalit (I wouldnÂ’t get pissed) and i would appreciate the fact that she gave it a shot. and hindi ako maiinis that she was pointing that out to me during that situation that involved my mom, kasi nasabi na niya yun before. she could’ve even said, “di ba, i told you so?” pero hindi nga. she wouldn’t even have been able to USE “i told you so” because she DIDN’T tell me anything.
and YUN mismo yung point ko… if i were in HER situation nung time (2 years) na yun, i would be honest, i would tell her what i thought, even if it meant risking the fact that the other person might get pissed. (kung major life decisions ha… not small decisions na pwedeng padaanin) at least nagawa ko yung alam kong tama.
and ginawa ko na yun for her before. i told her, “i don’t support what you’re doing. i think it’s wrong. but i’m still your friend and i love you. i’m right here.”
you said: Pero as much as I told her that I donÂ’t like g, IÂ’m still leaving that decision to her (like I have a choice).
so, why did you say you disagreed with me again?
eh yan mismo ang point ko eh. TELL. say something. let the person know how you feel about it. at the end of the day he/she will make his/her own decision. pero don’t stay quiet just because the person MIGHT not like what you’re about to say or the person MIGHT think it’s meddling. (but then again, the point of my entry is not to convince people to agree with me. instead i wanted just to express how i feel)
ikaw nga mismo ang gumawa niyan sa akin eh.. during the conversation when this happened: …i told him jokingly, “where were you 5 years ago?”, you said some things that were straightforward and honest. and i appreciated that. very much. kaya ko nga nasabi yang line na yan.
when i said this: “but really, if he told me those things 5 years ago, things would have been a lot different. i wouldÂ’ve made more sensible decisions.” i wasn’t blaming you for not telling me earlier. I said that on hindsight lang. na if ANYONE had the balls to tell me what you told me and told it to my face back then, then things would have been different. kaso nga, NO ONE told me that. not that it was anyone’s responsibility. kaya lang, pag tapos na usually, dun mo naririnig yung mga…”alam mo, gusto ko yun sabihin dati sa yo eh. kaso ganito..ganyan…” eh, di useless na diba? okay lang naman. ganon talaga. pero nga, AKO, kung ano yung dinescribe ko sa post ko, ganon ako. and i hope the people closest to me will appreciate that. kung hindi, sorry – lalo na sa akin, kasi ako ang nawalan. but that’s all part of the risk.
**
now, I didn’t write that post for you, although you were sighted a few times, but in my mind while I was writing it (and if I had written it specifically for you), I would have said: I’d like to thank you, carlo, for that comment over dinner last Saturday and for that IM conversation about jun. They might not have meant anything to you, but they meant much to me. Thanks, too, for accepting the “jowi”that only a few people know and for promising that you’d be there for me and for keeping that promise.
😉
Please, wag ka na mag-argue. Talo na natin kami ni jay. Hahahahaha.
Point taken, in context of your experience I definitely was wrong in pointing out anything.
I was thrown off lang when you said “… people who truly care for each other MUST BE” but then looking back, you DID put an “i believe,” hehehehe. I stand corrected.
And NO you didn’t tell me about the 3 hours after… baka si Chey nasabihan mo.
Ba’t ayaw mo matalo si Chey?
hmm… add ko lang na, i don’t mind that you “pointed out anything” and i don’t think you were wrong in pointing them out. in fact, sabi ko nga, i always appreciate that diba? but i will argue (to clarify things and because this is me) especially if you put it in an online blog which ANYONE can read without the reader knowing the situation i was actually in. medyo you put me on the line there, kaya nag comment rin ako publicly.
i DID tell you about the 2 hours/ 3 hours after. you’re one of the people i told the ENTIRE story to. okay lang. you must’ve forgotten (like with most anything.. heheheh… joke.)
so… please, go ahead and continue to “point out” things. given na you are who you are (kasi nga, person-oriented diba?) then your opinion matters. and you know that you can be honest with me, diba? tried and tested na ko diyan. hehehe. pero, pwedeng sa atin na lang? wag mo na isama ang blog readers mo? hehehe.
grabehhh !!!!! hi by the way napadaaaan lang akoooh it seems that your personal life look like a public entertainment ( sorry if I offended you!!!) but IÂ’m hoping that when you grow old you wouldnÂ’t regret anything, hahahaha!!!!! It would be nicer if you post more on techno stuff ‘cuz you will help lot of ppol in addressing your opinion about technology, kse doon ka naman magaling, para maging proud naman alma matter mo!!!!!! well wellll……….. nice to know that you have special someone already ‘wag sana matanggal helmet to tell you honestly nag-mature ka na hindi ka na childish remember always the nemesis I watch over you always hehehehe……. sound like fishyyyyy…….scary….joke lang:) keeep it upppp!!!!! in fairness you did a good post today hahahaha………(O”O) You even post the link syt of my friend @your site,hahaha don’t worry i inform her……the mother of all surveys……. baka mashock if u really get to know the person behind it,but in the end you will just smile afterall the earth is too small for all of us,so just be friendly!!!!