Closure

It’s amusing that I’m reading the Song of Ice and Fire series – because one of the prominent houses has this saying:

A Lannister always pays his debts.

The saying had always struck a chord in me – possibly because of its clear ambiguity (how’s that for an oxymoron?). To me the saying is a nice summary of how I usually live my life. To me, everything is relative… but I do pay my dues.

I’m not a “good” person – to be sure. Altruism was never a concept that appealed to me – that’s why I never fully bought the “morality” that Religion tries to instill on its followers. Still, if I did something “wrong,” (to whatever standard) I make up for it. If not directly, in some other form. Whatever the case may be, I do pay my debts.

I may be proud, proud enough to engage in heated debate to prove myself right – even if it’s just for sport. Sometimes it’s simply because I end up being right, other times its simply because the things I claim haven’t been proven otherwise. ¹ Again, if your “proof” is simply based on what ought to be instead of what really, truly is – then you’re at a disadvantage when debating with me

But those who know me well enough know this much: when I am wrong, or if there’s something amiss, I’m the first to acknowledge it. Such are the thoughts I have on the issue that triggered this post.

Without getting into details, an extremely complex issue went down a long time ago – where I essentially was the “smoking gun” in what ultimately ended in the estrangement of people I cared about, one of them far more deeply than I would care to admit.

The bottom-line was that it had to be done – and I’m more than willing to debate anyone ² Who knows about the issue, and was on the “other side” on that front. But as with all gray-areas, it came at a high price. Being the smoking gun, I’ve always felt that I bore the burnt of those consequences in behalf of everyone else ³ Which I didn’t mind, as it was my decision to act and not anyone else’s

The sheer irony here was that despite everyone else trying to comfort me – that “I did what had to be done,” that “I did the right thing,” that “There was no other way” (All of which were true, by the way) – I was probably the only person (or at least the first) to acknowledge that I, quite simply, failed these people – as a friend.

And there you have it, I’ve always carried that guilt. And if anyone who knew about that issue would ask anyone else what I’ve been saying about it – I sincerely doubt that you’ll hear them claim that I tried to deny that “shortcoming” of mine. I owned up to it without batting an eyelash, and was willing to do whatever it took to fix what could be fixed… because I always pay my debts.

Long story short, fast forward to today and I can honestly say that I’ve done everything I could. And the unfortunate reality I have to accept is that these people don’t seem to care.

Normally, I’d be fine with that – because after all, no one has a right to demand anyone of forgiveness – nor is anyone obliged to forgive a person he/she doesn’t wish to forgive.

What bothered me was that they never made it clear. In fact, for one of them it was the opposite; I thought I had been forgiven – because we had talked about it. I was under the impression that while things would never be the same, that I could at least “talk” to them like regular human beings – that hopefully we could try to at least salvage the little that was left (and perhaps restore things in time). But all my messages/letters addressing the [unresolved] issue were ignored from then on.

It was a shame that it took some unfortunate event to bring us back together under one roof – but I was also glad that I got to see them, and more than that, talk to them obviously about other things, more mundane things. But all the same, I thought there was a chance to make amends. But then it all went back to being given the cold-shoulder.

Now, I wasn’t born under a rock, I was well aware that they were probably trying their best to be civil and polite, even if they haven’t forgiven me. But if you ask me, what’s the use of putting up such a facade when you plan to ignore clear advances of proper reconciliation? I would’ve rather that they simply said I wasn’t welcome there. They could’ve said it politely and I would’ve taken the hint, and then would have proper closure as well.

I guess that’s where all the annoyance I have is coming from: the fact that they neither accepted nor denied my intentions – they simply ignored them. Again, while they’re certainly allowed to do that. I guess, to me, it came across as cowardice – and that I had mistakenly assumed that we knew each other better than that. I just wish they had the balls to tell me outright. They of all people know that I have felt the same way with another friend of theirs. The difference is, I made it crystal clear to that person that I wasn’t interested in being friends with them anymore.

So my feelings from that situation has been a recurring thing every so often – it comes when I least expect it. I feel bad about it, to be sure. I miss them – I’m not ashamed to admit it.

But given that this is the nth time I’m feeling this way – and that I can no longer think any lack in my efforts to make amends. I guess the “guilt” has now crossed the threshold to some sort of solace and vindication in the next paragraphs I’m about to utter.

I’m giving up on you two (you know who you are)

You have no idea how much I cared (or maybe you did, and just didn’t care back – fair enough) for you (especially you). But I guess that’s life.

Now, I find solace in the fact that I did my part, probably even more than was required of me. And I was never remiss in inviting you to tell me what else I could do to fix things. That much is undeniable – neither you, nor even God Himself, can contest that fact.

Perhaps you feel how you treated me was just as cruel as how I “dealt” with you. If that’s the case, then find joy in the fact that it worked – I did feel like shit – and that I deserved it.

Unfortunately, I’m putting all that behind me. The vindication you have given me, has overtaken whatever guilt I had/have. Let me put it this way, if there was/is a God, I’d have no problems facing Him with a clear(er) conscience about our issue.

I refuse to let my life be haunted by an issue I’ve already proven I was more than willing to fix. I’m not wasting my time in people who clearly don’t feel the need to reconcile.

Fortunately for you, I was never a plastic kinda guy – so “being civil” is not an option in cases like these. So rejoice! You don’t have to worry about me bothering you EVER AGAIN. Not for show, not for anything.

I still care about you guys, but I just can’t be “polite” for appearance’s sake knowing that there’s something wrong – I’m just not built that way. And anyone who knows the “score” cannot deny that the ball has already been [rotting] in your court for so damn long.

A Lannister always pays his debts. I’ll take that saying as my own… and I’ll be damned if anyone would dare say that I haven’t paid mine.

Life’s too short to fixate on broken things – especially if they don’t want to be fixed.