{"id":914,"date":"2008-12-29T16:31:58","date_gmt":"2008-12-29T08:31:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nargalzius.com\/blog\/archives\/2008\/12\/29\/insecurities-and-frustrations\/"},"modified":"2017-02-11T08:16:42","modified_gmt":"2017-02-11T08:16:42","slug":"insecurities-and-frustrations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/archives\/2008\/12\/29\/insecurities-and-frustrations","title":{"rendered":"Insecurities and frustrations"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.nargalzius.com\/gallery\/set\/72157611348909849\" target=\"_blank\" title=\"You may click on the image for more details\"><img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"\" src=\"http:\/\/farm4.static.flickr.com\/3236\/3121069784_2f7b812c22_m.jpg\" class=\"wb\" align=\"right\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m in Baguio right now, and as usual I opted to stay in while the rest of the people go on their excursion <span class=\"footnote_referrer\"><a role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" onclick=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_1');\" onkeypress=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_1');\" ><sup id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_1\" class=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text\">1 <\/sup><\/a><span id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_1\" class=\"footnote_tooltip\">What can I say, I&#8217;m a homebody<\/span><\/span><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_1').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_1', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top right', relative: true, offset: [10, 10], });<\/script> <\/p>\n<p>Since I don&#8217;t have anything better to post, I thought I&#8217;d share an experience which I never got to mention.<\/p>\n<p>A few weeks ago, in between numerous BP events, I was invited (thanks to <a href=\"http:\/\/www.fightpompe.com\">Juan<\/a>) to do a demo take for some ad campaign to be launched sometime next year. Obviously, I&#8217;m not at liberty to disclose any details, but I just thought I&#8217;d share the unique experience.<\/p>\n<p>It all started with an IM&#8230;<!--more--><!--\/\/--><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><code>CONTACT:<\/code> hi there. dickoy referred me to your blog and i&#8217;m browsing your music stuff &#8230; would you happen to be free to sing on a jingle?<\/p>\n<p><code>&lt;SKIPPED SOME PARTS&gt;<\/code><\/p>\n<p><code>CONTACT:<\/code> havent worked with you yet but if you pick up melodies and pitch pretty fast, we could actually be done in 2 hours<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Apparently, there have been 3 artists that already recorded the track (including the artist that actually <strong>owned<\/strong> the song). And after I heard the names of those that came before, <em>sobrang nanliit ako!<\/em><\/p>\n<p>For those who don&#8217;t know, if there&#8217;s one <strong>major<\/strong> insecurity I have, it has always been my voice. <span class=\"footnote_referrer\"><a role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" onclick=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_2');\" onkeypress=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_2');\" ><sup id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_2\" class=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text\">2 <\/sup><\/a><span id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_2\" class=\"footnote_tooltip\">And just to clarify, voice as in TIMBRE<\/span><\/span><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_2').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_2', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top right', relative: true, offset: [10, 10], });<\/script> While this insecurity may or may not be unfounded, that&#8217;s just how insecurities go; they were never meant to be rational. All the same, to put things into perspective; I know my voice doesn&#8217;t <em>suck,<\/em> but it was never &#8220;good enough&#8221; for me to be confident about.<\/p>\n<p>The reason <strong>why<\/strong> this insecurity is a big deal for me is because I sound drastically different when I&#8217;m nervous. And when I&#8217;m in that situation, that sort of feeds off itself on an endless loop. So just imagine the situation: I&#8217;m nervous so I sound even less appealing than my already mediocre timbre&#8230; then I <em>hear<\/em> that on the <em>live<\/em> monitors (headphone\/speakers) &#8211; and I get more embarrassed and worried by the fact that I know I&#8217;m not sounding the way I know I could <span class=\"footnote_referrer\"><a role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" onclick=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_3');\" onkeypress=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_3');\" ><sup id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_3\" class=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text\">3 <\/sup><\/a><span id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_3\" class=\"footnote_tooltip\">Which isn&#8217;t much, but definitely better<\/span><\/span><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_3').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_3', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top right', relative: true, offset: [10, 10], });<\/script> and those same nerves now <a href=\"http:\/\/www.nargalzius.com\/blog\/archives\/2004\/07\/07\/jitters\">start affecting my delivery<\/a> during a &#8220;performance.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>When I&#8217;m <strong>not<\/strong> nervous, that is to say when I&#8217;m in the comfort of my room <em>alone,<\/em> <a href=\"http:\/\/www.nargalzius.com\/music\">recording original material<\/a>, this isn&#8217;t an issue. But just like any &#8220;talent&#8221; one could share, it doesn&#8217;t matter how good you are on your own&#8230; what matters more is the times you get to <em>share<\/em> it &#8211; and sadly, sharing in that sense is what makes it all fall apart.<\/p>\n<p>So when the guy said this:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><code>CONTACT:<\/code> but even if you dont get approved at least we&#8217;ll have your voice on file and we can use you for other things &#8211; assuming you wanna get into this sordid business hahaha.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>That sorta already made me feel bad because I know there probably <strong>won&#8217;t<\/strong> be a next time. Which sucks, because I&#8217;ve been experiencing much frustration on the musical front lately. Work has gotten so hectic that I literally have no time for my real &#8220;love;&#8221; music, which as of this moment is just a hobby (since it doesn&#8217;t pay the bills).<\/p>\n<p>The reason I&#8217;m so active with <a href=\"http:\/\/www.bukaspalad.com\">Bukas Palad<\/a>, aside from loving the people there, <span class=\"footnote_referrer\"><a role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" onclick=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_4');\" onkeypress=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_4');\" ><sup id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_4\" class=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text\">4 <\/sup><\/a><span id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_4\" class=\"footnote_tooltip\">hahaha, hanep sa bawi ano?<\/span><\/span><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_4').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_4', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top right', relative: true, offset: [10, 10], });<\/script> is because it&#8217;s probably the <strong>only<\/strong> remaining musical outlet I have that I can still manage to include in my regular &#8220;routine.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>But even with BP, I&#8217;ve been getting a bit restless; the friendships, trips\/gigs are great and all, but I personally feel something lacking. Partly because the group tends to gravitate towards &#8220;safe&#8221; songs recently, I don&#8217;t know if it&#8217;s a function of not believing enough in the abilities of the members, or that members themselves don&#8217;t want to &#8220;step up&#8221; and be &#8220;challenged.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Or maybe because most members now see the group as a <em>&#8220;barkada&#8221;<\/em> instead of an actual <em>singing group.<\/em> Not that there&#8217;s anything wrong with that; camaraderie is always good. I guess I just wish we all learned how to &#8220;switch&#8221; to the appropriate &#8220;gear&#8221; when needed; because while other people might be in it for the company or the opportunities (travel etc.), I personally am in it for the <em>music.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>To be fair, I&#8217;m not in any way taking that sentiment against whoever the statement above applies to, because I&#8217;ll be first to admit that as far as the <em>vision-mission<\/em> of the group goes (which technically should take precedence over anything else), I&#8217;m probably the one who is most <em>detached<\/em> to it. I&#8217;m really in it for the music &#8211; everything else is just secondary. <span class=\"footnote_referrer\"><a role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" onclick=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_5');\" onkeypress=\"footnote_moveToReference_914_1('footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_5');\" ><sup id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_5\" class=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text\">5 <\/sup><\/a><span id=\"footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_5\" class=\"footnote_tooltip\">yes including the whole &#8220;spreading the word of God&#8221; thing<\/span><\/span><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_5').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_914_1_5', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top right', relative: true, offset: [10, 10], });<\/script> I&#8217;m <em>really glad<\/em> that we get to inspire people while we&#8217;re at it, but that&#8217;s just icing on the cake as far as I&#8217;m concerned. <\/p>\n<p>I know it&#8217;s a selfish way to feel, but knowing it&#8217;s selfish doesn&#8217;t diminish the yearning or frustration I&#8217;m feeling because of it. But I&#8217;ll just have to find a way to deal with that on my own I guess.<\/p>\n<p>But going back to the music, I love challenges, and I absolutely love it when there&#8217;s a &#8220;hard&#8221; song to be learned or sung. But it always disheartens me when the majority would rather just &#8220;play it safe&#8221; and simply <strong>not<\/strong> sing those songs &#8211; rather than, as the other choirs would put it, <strong>FIGHT.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>So, in light of this new development &#8211; I was very much interested. At this point, I referred him to my music section to get a better idea of my &#8220;sound&#8221; &#8211; just to make sure I wasn&#8217;t wasting his time.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><code>CONTACT:<\/code> is this an original?<br \/>\n<code>ME:<\/code> yep<br \/>\n<code>CONTACT:<\/code> good stuff<br \/>\n<code>CONTACT:<\/code> so why are you a programmer and not in the music biz? \ud83d\ude1b<br \/>\n<code>ME:<\/code> I guess I know I don&#8217;t have the connections sa industry so I&#8217;d be a poor starving artist.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>After all, it&#8217;s pretty much impossible for people my age to break through that industry unless we get a very early head start&#8230; that, or know people who can help you out.<\/p>\n<p>So I guess this is as far as I&#8217;ll ever get as far music goes; <em>compliments<\/em> hahahaha. That and the occasional &#8220;break&#8221; in the routine. I&#8217;ll take it&#8230; anything to mix up life a bit \ud83d\ude09<\/p><div class=\"speaker-mute footnotes_reference_container\"> <div class=\"footnote_container_prepare\"><p><span role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" class=\"footnote_reference_container_label pointer\" onclick=\"footnote_expand_collapse_reference_container_914_1();\">Notes<\/span><span role=\"button\" tabindex=\"0\" class=\"footnote_reference_container_collapse_button\" style=\"display: none;\" onclick=\"footnote_expand_collapse_reference_container_914_1();\">[<a id=\"footnote_reference_container_collapse_button_914_1\">+<\/a>]<\/span><\/p><\/div> <div id=\"footnote_references_container_914_1\" style=\"\"><table class=\"footnotes_table footnote-reference-container\"><caption class=\"accessibility\">Notes<\/caption> <tbody> \r\n\r\n<tr class=\"footnotes_plugin_reference_row\"> <th scope=\"row\" class=\"footnote_plugin_index_combi pointer\"  onclick=\"footnote_moveToAnchor_914_1('footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_1');\"><a id=\"footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_1\" class=\"footnote_backlink\"><span class=\"footnote_index_arrow\">&#8673;<\/span>1<\/a><\/th> <td class=\"footnote_plugin_text\">What can I say, I&#8217;m a homebody<\/td><\/tr>\r\n\r\n<tr class=\"footnotes_plugin_reference_row\"> <th scope=\"row\" class=\"footnote_plugin_index_combi pointer\"  onclick=\"footnote_moveToAnchor_914_1('footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_2');\"><a id=\"footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_2\" class=\"footnote_backlink\"><span class=\"footnote_index_arrow\">&#8673;<\/span>2<\/a><\/th> <td class=\"footnote_plugin_text\">And just to clarify, voice as in TIMBRE<\/td><\/tr>\r\n\r\n<tr class=\"footnotes_plugin_reference_row\"> <th scope=\"row\" class=\"footnote_plugin_index_combi pointer\"  onclick=\"footnote_moveToAnchor_914_1('footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_3');\"><a id=\"footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_3\" class=\"footnote_backlink\"><span class=\"footnote_index_arrow\">&#8673;<\/span>3<\/a><\/th> <td class=\"footnote_plugin_text\">Which isn&#8217;t much, but definitely better<\/td><\/tr>\r\n\r\n<tr class=\"footnotes_plugin_reference_row\"> <th scope=\"row\" class=\"footnote_plugin_index_combi pointer\"  onclick=\"footnote_moveToAnchor_914_1('footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_4');\"><a id=\"footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_4\" class=\"footnote_backlink\"><span class=\"footnote_index_arrow\">&#8673;<\/span>4<\/a><\/th> <td class=\"footnote_plugin_text\">hahaha, hanep sa bawi ano?<\/td><\/tr>\r\n\r\n<tr class=\"footnotes_plugin_reference_row\"> <th scope=\"row\" class=\"footnote_plugin_index_combi pointer\"  onclick=\"footnote_moveToAnchor_914_1('footnote_plugin_tooltip_914_1_5');\"><a id=\"footnote_plugin_reference_914_1_5\" class=\"footnote_backlink\"><span class=\"footnote_index_arrow\">&#8673;<\/span>5<\/a><\/th> <td class=\"footnote_plugin_text\">yes including the whole &#8220;spreading the word of God&#8221; thing<\/td><\/tr>\r\n\r\n <\/tbody> <\/table> <\/div><\/div><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> function footnote_expand_reference_container_914_1() { jQuery('#footnote_references_container_914_1').show(); jQuery('#footnote_reference_container_collapse_button_914_1').text('\u2212'); } function footnote_collapse_reference_container_914_1() { jQuery('#footnote_references_container_914_1').hide(); jQuery('#footnote_reference_container_collapse_button_914_1').text('+'); } function footnote_expand_collapse_reference_container_914_1() { if (jQuery('#footnote_references_container_914_1').is(':hidden')) { footnote_expand_reference_container_914_1(); } else { footnote_collapse_reference_container_914_1(); } } function footnote_moveToReference_914_1(p_str_TargetID) { footnote_expand_reference_container_914_1(); var l_obj_Target = jQuery('#' + p_str_TargetID); if (l_obj_Target.length) { jQuery( 'html, body' ).delay( 0 ); jQuery('html, body').animate({ scrollTop: l_obj_Target.offset().top - window.innerHeight * 0.2 }, 380); } } function footnote_moveToAnchor_914_1(p_str_TargetID) { footnote_expand_reference_container_914_1(); var l_obj_Target = jQuery('#' + p_str_TargetID); if (l_obj_Target.length) { jQuery( 'html, body' ).delay( 0 ); jQuery('html, body').animate({ scrollTop: l_obj_Target.offset().top - window.innerHeight * 0.2 }, 380); } }<\/script>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I&#8217;m in Baguio right now, and as usual I opted to stay in while the rest of the people go on their excursion 1 What can I say, I&#8217;m a homebody Since I don&#8217;t have anything better to post, I thought I&#8217;d share an experience which I never got to mention. A few weeks ago, &hellip; <p class=\"link-more\"><a href=\"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/archives\/2008\/12\/29\/insecurities-and-frustrations\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;Insecurities and frustrations&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p><\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4,8],"tags":[473,803],"class_list":["post-914","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general","category-music","tag-general","tag-music"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/914","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=914"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/914\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1876,"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/914\/revisions\/1876"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=914"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=914"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nargalzius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=914"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}